End of a Contract {time to start blogging again}

"Lately I've been feeling so unwanted by my dominant, and I dont know what I did to make him not want me. I feel like i'm drowning in a sea of loneliness, and the person that I want most to please, whom I want to serve, to care for, to submit to, doesn't seem want me."


My dominant, The Sadist, told me tonight that he had decided not to renew our contract.It upset me more then I realized, not because I love him (I don't love him), but because it is always hard to lose a dominant, especially a good dominant. I feel as if I could have been a much better submissive for him, especially towards the end. I was dealing with immense loneliness, and kept looking towards him for comfort. If it had been a loving relationship, I would have every right to look towards him for comfort, but it wasn't. It was a contracted relationship, and a strictly D/s one. No emotions, no feelings. Well, there was emotion. I care for him, he is a good friend, and my biggest fear is that somehow that friendship has been damaged.

I went over to Angela's and cried for a little bit. It didn't help that he gave horrible reasons, when in reality the most likely reason why he's ending it is because he's bored with me and wants something new and exciting. I hate it when guys do that, about 80% of my relationships end because of that. I realize what I missed wasn't The Sadist himself, but his actions. His dominance, and his sadism. I am a natural submissive, and when I have a good dom, I flourish. He was a lot of fun, and I will miss it.We then watched season two of the muppet show, and I cheered up a little.

When I got home, I cuddled up with my room mate/ex-dominant, Z, which always makes me feel better. He is very easy to talk to. We talked about the possibility of me becoming his submissive again someday, a conversation that we started a few weeks ago. I'm not ready for anything right now, I want some "me" time, time to relax, work, meditate, evolve. Fortunately, he isn't ready for anything either. He is having coffee tomorrow (actually later today) with a kinky chic he met online, and I admit I am slightly jealous, but also slightly excited (she may be into ployamourous relationships).

Nothing to do now but sit back and relax and see where life takes me.